“Keep trying….you’re in here somewhere.” This seems to be my daily mantra. Before the babies obviously I had a lot of free time. I would paint my nails, find things to fill up my planner, walk around Target aimlessly (and buy too much crap I didn’t need), and watch WAYYYYY too many episodes of Keeping Up With The Karkrapians to the point where I ALMOST feel sympathy for them.
Lately I’ve been struggling (which is why I’m hit or miss on the blogging ordeal) with my postpartum depression. It’s been attacking me when I need to function the most. My poor boys don’t get the attention they need and I don’t have the patience. I find myself just staring at them or into space when it would be more beneficial that I actually talk to them or play with them. Rather than just sitting next to them on the floor and leaving them to entertain themselves.
I’ve changed my meds a couple times. Changed the amount I take but it feels as if its getting worse and worse. I can only increase it so much. Know what I mean? I’m scared that I’ll be medicated for the rest of my life. Seems to be a theme in my family with women and PPD.
Anywho, I suppose this is my apology that I haven’t been blogging as much as I was hoping to. I’m going to try my best to get back in to it. It’s therapeutic actually so it would be smart for me to continue. It’s just so hard sometimes to pick myself up enough to get on it. Anyone else struggle with this? The boys are 9.5 months now. Can we not just get on with life and not have these issue. Pregnancy is incredibly difficult…and then the post-pregnancy is just as hard if not harder. Throw me a bone here!!
Time to stop the drinking for a bit, me thinks! Maybe that’s only making matters worse! A glass here, a glass there. It all adds up!
Ask a mom what the love between her and her child feels like. She’ll probably have a hard time answering because its something shes never felt before. Unless of course, she instead, takes a look back on her days with Pablo on the beaches in Spain.
*We interrupt this message with a moment in thought*
Ok..I’m back! Whew…bucket of ice, please! Let me ALS challenge this dream right out of my head.
The truth about the love you feel comes from determination, defeat and determination once again. When I first met the boys I didn’t feel anything instantaneously because my body was just shocked and awakened from its overly large egg shaped life it just lived in. The egg was hatched and I was handed not one but two little shits with mouths wide opened.
Who.What.When.Where. How. Take them back for a second so I can wrap my head around all this.
It took me many months to fall intensely in love with them. It came from not giving up, hating life, wanting to walk out and never come back, and then the determination to survive and provide them the best that life can give. It was a big struggle for me since I had postpartum depression which actually started before their birth at about 30 weeks. Christmas was rough those months before they came. Shocking, I know. How can Christmas be anything but joyous?!
So, looking at them today… the hard days of newborns are past us (PRAISE BABY JESUS) and as I type one of them is fussing around in his crib because he decided a 30 minute nap was good enough (seriously, dude?!). They are part of me. They are the recipe I cooked up for 8+ months and now as I look at them they look like me or bits of me. Twins are no joke. It is SO hard. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Imagine working 24/7, never a break, never a vacation, no more time for yourself. It literally consumes you when you decided to be a mom and then a stay at home mom on top of that. Phew…HARD WORK.
One of my finer moments…3 weeks after birth and trying to have a glass of wine. One sip, and done! Pretty, aren’t I? lol
But this is all why I’ve finally come back to my love of alcohol. I swore during my pregnancy I would never drink again since the idea of it made me want to vomit. That took a good 5 months after their birth to come back to me but its back and with a vengeance!
Speaking of vengeance…this kid (the blondie) needs to go back to sleep. Up I go to try to coerce him!
Is 9:30am too early to start drinking? What about just a little bit of whiskey in the coffee? Wrong?
My husband and I tried for 7+ years to have a baby. We did everything. I took weird raspberry leaf tablets, I did acupuncture, we used those ovulation apps and tests, I did every test to make sure I was ok. They found out I had Endometriosis but nothing that would keep us from conceiving. My husband’s sperm count was low but not low enough to be concerned about. We were labeled with,quite frankly: Unknown Infertility.
What in the sam hell is unknown infertility?!? Shouldn’t we have some sort of closure as to why our baby making parts don’t work together to do the one main function they are supposed to do?!
We tried treatments in Germany…without success. Only heart break and absolute anxiety every time I had to wait for my period or take a pregnancy test. Germany wasn’t going to work for us any who. They treated me like a number and to be honest, their hospitals feel like a time trap in the 1970s.
Wake up back in America…ahh…the sweet smell of corn dogs, GMOs, and jelly fish flavored vodka. Life was finally feeling like we belonged again and instead of getting a job right away we decided I could try out a fertility clinic. And so I did.
This place was PHENOMENAL! It was like a damn spa up in there. Trickling waterfalls in the waiting room with comfy chairs, couches, and fluffy pillows to boot! In the offices were warm purples, olive green, and mustards to soothe the eyes. On top of ALL of that, the doctor and nurses were a dream. Literally, they all became my friends. I couldn’t imagine going anywhere else. It finally felt like it was meant to be. So going into this process I had nothing but happy and positive thoughts. Even if it failed, I knew that I was in the right place. That they would figure it all out and I would someway, somehow get my baby.
We did all the tests possible and even though I had Endometriosis, it wasn’t the cause. We more or less had unexplained infertility. Great. No explanation. IVF was our only option.
You would think my needle phobia would have subsided but it hasn’t in the slightest! Every night I took multiple shots and swallowed a million pills. Who knows what all this would do to my body in the years to come but so long I became a mother, I couldn’t care less!
Egg collection day was pretty exciting! Besides the fact that I was totally famished and told the nurse in my drugged state to, “Get me pancakes, STAT!” and then proceeded to sing “The hills are allliiiiivvveeee with the souuunnddd of mussssiiicccc.” Yes…I’m a ridiculous drunk too. Surprised?
So many eggs…BIG ones!
18 eggs removed…18 potential babies. All fertilized with by the husband and left in a lab to grow big and strong! At the end of 5 days we had 8 babies that were of good enough quality to proceed. We technically could have kept all 8 but we decided to take it a step further and I’ve never been so happy about a decision in my life. All embryos had a biopsy taken and this sample was sent off to a genetic testing lab to see if any had any horrible diseases. Trisomy, Edward’s Syndrome, Down Syndrome, etc etc. All of this was checked. Our top 3 embryos which were the strongest cell-wise were the sickest. These three would have been the first transfers had we not done the genetic testing. Each of these 3 had several different genetic issues. This means…I skipped 3 miscarriages, 3 stillbirths or a lifetime of caring for handicap children.
Babies First Picture
We were left with 5 embryos. We knew the genders of all and chose two to be transferred. June 22nd, 2015 we did the transfer and I was ready to go! I dressed up pretty in order to make a good impression the first time I met my babies. We transferred two embryos in hopes that at least one would take.
June 27th, I took a home pregnancy test and there it was. Pregnant. For the first time in my life, I got to pee on a stick and got a positive result. I was in utter disbelief. It was this moment in life I had been strangely missing. I finally felt like many of my friends who had been there before me. Confirmed, twins were on the way!!!
TWINS!!!
At 6 weeks I woke up to a bed full of blood and blood clots. I had lost my twins. I was utterly devastated as I called my doctor at 2am..crying…sobbing…unable to pick myself up off the floor.
The next morning we went in to see the damage on the ultrasound and for the first time, two little blobs appeared on the screen and two heartbeats racing. This was the first time I heard their hearts beating away and I was in total shock. Shaking, laughing, crying…not sure what the hell was going on! The ultrasound showed I had a very large blood clot that was threatening their lives. It was much bigger than both babies and as blood clots do they either absorb back into the body or they make their way out. If it tried to make its way out, it could potentially bring both babies with it. Horrified, I put myself on bed rest until 20 weeks pregnant. I had to save these babies.
9 Weeks20 Weeks!
We knew we were having boys from the genetic test. We chose to have 2 boy embryos transferred.
Many complications, extreme and debilitating nausea, I lost more weight than I put on, and many hospital stays later….I delivered my two humans at 38 weeks. These two humans made me a mom. Finally.
Now, after reliving that…time for a drink! Is it too early?!!?
Mommy's Martini: Make It A Double 