Finding The Light

The weather is finally cooler here in Michigan and my favorite season has begun! Bring on the candles, fluffy blankets, and fuzzy socks. This season gives me all sorts of renewed energy to hunker down and make the house homey. 

So as you all know I was suffering from depression since I was 30 weeks pregnant. Going on almost 2 years this December and I’ve been working diligently to find a way out. It’s been hard. It got to the point where some days I would just sit on the floor, turn the tv on, and let the chaos commence all around me. And other times I couldn’t find the patience for anything while the world seemed to unravel all around me. It was scary! I was easy to snap and didn’t feel like giving the boys the mommy snuggles they so desired. How awful right?! 

Many days I felt like such a failure! I dreamed of being a mom since ages. I went through in vitro just to fulfill that dream for Christ’s sake! I wanted this so why couldn’t I get a grip on this and be the mom I should be?! 

After a huge lab work up my doctor saw that my progesterone level was extremely low which wasn’t a shock considering I had the same issue during the fertility treatments. So she ordered me a cream to rub on my leg each day and the first few days were scary. I was aggressive and nauseous. Then a week went by and here I am…several weeks in and finally feel like a piece of me is back. 

I have the patience to make 3 meals a day, read books when they bring me piles of them to read, do fun learning and crafty things with them, clean the house, and my favorite bit…snuggle endlessly! Somehow it feels like everything slowed down finally. I can breathe again. Smile again. Laugh again. 

I’m hoping this leg cream was the fix. This would be the best thing to happen to me and my family in 2 years. Can such an easy thing fix me? Trying not to think about it and just accepting it for what it’s giving me right now! 

Keep fighting PPD, parents!!! There is a light in all of us! We just need to fix the igniter switch. 

Cheers, loves! Xoxoxoxox

Trying To Find Me

“Keep trying….you’re in here somewhere.” This seems to be my daily mantra. Before the babies obviously I had a lot of free time. I would paint my nails, find things to fill up my planner, walk around Target aimlessly (and buy too much crap I didn’t need), and watch WAYYYYY too many episodes of Keeping Up With The Karkrapians to the point where I ALMOST feel sympathy for them.

Lately I’ve been struggling (which is why I’m hit or miss on the blogging ordeal) with my postpartum depression. It’s been attacking me when I need to function the most. My poor boys don’t get the attention they need and I don’t have the patience. I find myself just staring at them or into space when it would be more beneficial that I actually talk to them or play with them. Rather than just sitting next to them on the floor and leaving them to entertain themselves.

I’ve changed my meds a couple times. Changed the amount I take but it feels as if its getting worse and worse. I can only increase it so much. Know what I mean? I’m scared that I’ll be medicated for the rest of my life. Seems to be a theme in my family with women and PPD.

Anywho, I suppose this is my apology that I haven’t been blogging as much as I was hoping to. I’m going to try my best to get back in to it. It’s therapeutic actually so it would be smart for me to continue. It’s just so hard sometimes to pick myself up enough to get on it. Anyone else struggle with this? The boys are 9.5 months now. Can we not just get on with life and not have these issue. Pregnancy is incredibly difficult…and then the post-pregnancy is just as hard if not harder. Throw me a bone here!!

Time to stop the drinking for a bit, me thinks! Maybe that’s only making matters worse! A glass here, a glass there. It all adds up!

But I’ll still cheers to you!

Cheers! xoxoxo

 

 

The Most Intense Love

Ask a mom what the love between her and her child feels like. She’ll probably have a hard time answering because its something shes never felt before. Unless of course, she instead, takes a look back on her days with Pablo on the beaches in Spain.

*We interrupt this message with a moment in thought*

Ok..I’m back! Whew…bucket of ice, please! Let me ALS challenge this dream right out of my head.

The truth about the love you feel comes from determination, defeat and determination once again. When I first met the boys I didn’t feel anything instantaneously because my body was just shocked and awakened from its overly large egg shaped life it just lived in. The egg was hatched and I was handed not one but two little shits with mouths wide opened.

Who.What.When.Where. How. Take them back for a second so I can wrap my head around all this.

It took me many months to fall intensely in love with them. It came from not giving up, hating life, wanting to walk out and never come back, and then the determination to survive and provide them the best that life can give. It was a big struggle for me since I had postpartum depression which actually started before their birth at about 30 weeks. Christmas was rough those months before they came. Shocking, I know. How can Christmas be anything but joyous?!

So, looking at them today… the hard days of newborns are past us (PRAISE BABY JESUS) and as I type one of them is fussing around in his crib because he decided a 30 minute nap was good enough (seriously, dude?!). They are part of me. They are the recipe I cooked up for 8+ months and now as I look at them they look like me or bits of me. Twins are no joke. It is SO hard. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Imagine working 24/7, never a break, never a vacation, no more time for yourself. It literally consumes you when you decided to be a mom and then a stay at home mom on top of that. Phew…HARD WORK.

One of my finer moments…3 weeks after birth and trying to have a glass of wine. One sip, and done! Pretty, aren’t I? lol

But this is all why I’ve finally come back to my love of alcohol. I swore during my pregnancy I would never drink again since the idea of it made me want to vomit. That took a good 5 months after their birth to come back to me but its back and with a vengeance!

Speaking of vengeance…this kid (the blondie) needs to go back to sleep. Up I go to try to coerce him!

Is 9:30am too early to start drinking? What about just a little bit of whiskey in the coffee? Wrong?

Cheers!!!!